I wanted to write something from a widow’s perspective one year on. In the first weeks and months I searched online a lot to try and understand how long it would take me to feel better. The pain is so excruciating that you are desperate to find out from others how long they had to … Continue reading One year on: a widow’s perspective
It’s 21st July, 2025 – Fiddian’s birthday. He would have been 62 today, and on the 23rd we would have been married for 9 years. I’m in Vietnam, travelling for work. I was only supposed to come for one week, but I extended it so that I wouldn’t be in the UK for these anniversaries. … Continue reading Remembering
On the long drive home from my father-in-law’s 90th birthday party in Shropshire (where I valiantly held it together for almost three days before collapsing into a puddle of tears), I listened to a podcast about recovering from grief. In it I learned that the famous “five stages of grief” model has been largely debunked. … Continue reading Despair
The view from my window changes – what was clear and open a few weeks ago is now dense with a myriad of fresh green shapes and forms. Young leaves wiggle in the wind and tall green shoots rise to meet them, disguising my view of the field beyond. Occasionally a black and white cow … Continue reading Spring
I live in a new house now. I started moving over from the old side to the new about six weeks ago. I’d always had a deadline of 1st April as that’s when Tom, my lead builder, was free again to come back to the project. That also gave me enough time to complete the … Continue reading Devotion
For many years my life felt relatively fixed and stable: home, job, family, mortgage, housework, regular trips to visit extended family; sleep, get up, repeat. Every few years something big would change: we’d move house, I’d change jobs, my company was sold and suddenly we had more money, but in general the rhythm of life … Continue reading Change
I thought the last of my sad blog posts might have been written, but then I hit rock bottom, or at least, rock bottom so far. Three months into my grief journey and things are getting worse, not better. I have patches of decent days; sometimes even good days, but then – out of nowhere … Continue reading Sorrow
I write this in tears as I’ve just learned that David Lynch, one of my very few heroes, has died. Fiddian and I watched so many of his films together, as well as the whole of Twin Peaks. I loved that show so much that Fidd even made me a gold shovel like the one … Continue reading Post mortem
After Fidd died I felt weightless for a while; untethered. I thought about locking up the house, leaving my job and going away to the other side of the planet. I had a tempting invitation to South Africa, to visit one of my oldest friends, and then I wondered about Australia, where I have many … Continue reading What next?
I’ve been dreading writing about the funeral, but I think it deserves a post of its own. It was a very intense, beautiful day, although probably the hardest of my life. I don’t particularly like recalling it, but perhaps in future I will want to. A number of people have also asked me to share … Continue reading Funeral
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